"I'd trade (future) Grammy Plaques...
Just to have my Granny back."

...Frozen

I am a chronic Overachiever.
I think that is a major effect of having your past failures, continuously thrown back in your face.
It is, also, an effect of being an "only-child"...
You start to feel as if you are your parents only chance of having a successful offspring.
It motivates & stifles me..
(talk about a double-edged sword).
Disappointing those that I love is my biggest fear.
I do what I don't want to do or what I want to do in a different manner, trying to please them.
But, then, isn't that proverbial death.
Living for others confirms their existence and denies mine.
& so I have come to feel that i don't exist...
& yet, I overachieve to prove that my existence is not worthless in the eyes of others....
How do you decide to, metaphorically, exist (in your own right)?

Still Frozen.

Until Then...

Artistic Interruptions!

Video by Blu.


COMBO a collaborative animation by Blu and David Ellis (2 times loop) from blu on Vimeo.

via www.bbcicecream.com/blog

 

This video is superb.

I was in awe.

 

Until Then...

#2

I have just recognized that I have control issues.

Lots of people have them & don't recognize it.

I, only recognize it in others, now, because I can juxtapose their behavior with my own.

But, I find that this comes from the fact that I care too much.

I am a humanitarian to the extreme of Hyper-Empathy.

I call it "protecting people from themselves"...

but, in reality, it is called being controlling.

I think this contributes to why a lot of my friendships & relationships shatter.

I always want others to take the most intelligent & safe road...

(which I don't always do myself, talk about a double standard)

and when they take a detour, I get angry...

as if it affects me.

I, mean, and in a way it does because if I love them (which isn't rare, I literally, love everyone in some way) then I don't want to see them get hurt or fail...

Wow, This already sounds neurotic and controlling...almost stifling (In Relation to Art).

How can you be a creative Human Being, without experiences to build on and express...good & bad?

This is, definitely, both a great discovery and a great dilemna.

Dilemna Today: How do you let go of those you love, enough to live and let live, but then also manage to hold on to them enough to be a support system?

It's so hard to watch people continue in detrimental patterns, but then again... Do I, too, watch myself do thinsg I don't want them to do?

Still Frozen.

Off to Biology.

Until Then...[whenever that is :0]

1 3/4

Selfishness.

I just realized that the opposite of Selfishness is not Selflessness (if that's a word) it is Generosity or Charity.
In relation to that fact that I was born to 2 entirely Selfish individuals, who wield their generosity not as a means of compassion but as a weapon of mass control (leading to destruction...someone call George W. Lol) , I have always juxtaposed Selfish & Selfless. Therefore, putting myself either in a position of Matyrdom or Murder (metaphorically).
In reality, what have have done is become a carbon copy of my parents' burden, their war.
One of those ... "check yourself before you wreck yourself moments!
& yet a brilliant part of my self-actualuzation & entrance back into sanity, I guess.
I expect, but what do I give, without intention (I don't know if anything is done without intent) so, I guess I mean without underlying motive... Which could mean something as small as acceptance or affirmation.
Wow.
Until Then...

#1 1/2

The Lack of a title is a result of this post being written via My IPhone.
But, I was majorly excited about, randomly, being interviewed by the school Newspaper.
It bites that it was about the Economy.
But, (hear we go with that dreaded word repitition) I was very poised & articulate.
Mmkay.
Until then...

#1

Change.

I fully intended upon sitting here and totally thawing out for 30 minutes.

This did not happen because I ... Nevermind.

But, today is New Leaf Day.

I am making one big change in my life, which I hope will lead to others.

I'm just trying to take life one day at a time, which is hard because I am totally nuerotic.

(How many times am I gonna use "which", I know right. lol)

I'll definitely divulge the change and how it goes today, but....

I gotta go to Biology ( I was just so annoyed that I wrote "gotta", lol. I'm an English Major).

Until Then...